Another raw water seller is Juicero founder Doug Evans, who says he sneaks across private property in the dead of night to collect spring water. Again, Silicon Valley gave that guy 120 million U.S. dollars. We fully predict that these people will be selling you fresh, nutritious urine by 2025.
Related: 6 Tech Innovations (Absolutely Nobody Asked For)
Everyone's Getting Into Blockchain (And Nobody Knows What It Means)
"Blockchain" is a magic word that makes Silicon Valley investors throw money at you. Dozens of failing startups have saved themselves by pivoting to blockchain. Like Kik, the pervert-infested instant messaging train wreck that was close to going out of business before they announced a blockchain move. That nabbed them $100 million in new funding, even though "the child sexting app has its own cryptocurrency now" might not be a guaranteed success story.
The dumbest part? The definition of a blockchain is so fuzzy that nobody seems to agree on what it is, or how it works, or what practical use they could possibly get out of it. The first blockchains were (to oversimplify it for those skimming this in the subway) strings of information that everyone could see, and were updated for everyone with every transaction. So if you paid your friendly dark web dealer for a duffel bag full of meth and AK-47s, they didn't have to trust that you sent the money; you could both check the blockchain. Nice and easy!
CB Insights(Alice is now dead, and Bob is doing 45 years in Chino.)
But many famous "blockchains" don't fit that definition. MasterCard's highly publicized blockchain can only be viewed by invitation, so that's out. The World Food Program loudly touted their adoption of groundbreaking blockchain technology, even though it only had one user (the WFP itself), making it indistinguishable from a regular backed-up database.
And investors keep falling for it. "Uber for buses" company Skedaddle raked in millions after announcing a blockchain project to "completely eliminate tipping" in some unclear way. Wearable tech company Loomia also sucked up new investment after promising to give each user a blockchain profile, as did P2P marketplace Listia ... even though neither project seems to have any advantages over their existing payment tech. It's really only a matter of time before that one surviving Blockbuster store unveils a blockchain-based lending system and instantly becomes worth more than Nestle.
On the upside, we just said "blockchain" like a hundred times, so we'll be drowning in VC money by the time you read this. So long, suckers.
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