The New Star Wars Theme Park's On Another (Fictional) Planet

Not content with simply parading Darth Vader onstage to awkwardly gyrate to Michael Jackson songs, Disney amusement parks are set to bring an entire Star Wars theme to life in 2019. Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge will give fans the chance to enter (and in all likelihood vomit in) the Star Wars universe! Surprisingly, the new parks in California and Florida won't recreate Tatooine, or Hoth, or hell, even the dreary fart-stench-filled landscape of Dagobah. No, Galaxy's Edge will take place entirely on the planet of Batuu, prompting fans to wonder: What the hell is Batuu?

Batuu was created specifically for these parks. But since Disney has achieved a Master's status in the ancient mystic art of corporate synergy, the company has been shoehorning references to Batuu -- specifically Black Spire Outpost -- into Star Wars canon. A Han Solo novel for young readers whose childhoods weren't ruined by his recent movie prominently features the locale. Even more notably, Marvel just announced that this April, it will publish a comic book series centered around the "mythology" of Black Spire Outpost. And what parent wouldn't want to buy their kids a comic that's secretly an advertisement for an expensive vacation?

It's almost as if Disney is gaslighting fans into thinking that the planet is an integral part of the Star Wars universe, and wasn't just invented because fake trees are easier to manage than a shitload of sand. And one can't help but wonder if there are other ways that Disney will acclimatize fans to the new park through fiction. Like, perhaps the comic book will inform people that littering is strictly against Batuuian law. Or elucidate that it's rude when visiting Batuu not to honor its rich cultural heritage by eating to excess and purchasing unnecessary souvenirs. They could even invent an invisible alien species whose language coincidentally sounds like the screams of a tantruming child. The possibilities are endless!

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