As we seek to fill the vast emptiness we all feel all the time, our thoughts naturally turn to Star Wars. Namely its title.
Yes, the internet has been champing at the bit to find out what Episode IX is called. The fervor seemingly all started with leaked info that the conclusion to the Sequel Trilogy was going to be called Balance Of The Force. But that juicy tidbit was sourced to a random Reddit user -- just a step up from gathering intel from the ravings of a disheveled drifter who sort of resembles George Lucas. Not surprisingly, it was almost immediately proven to be a hoax, and simply looking at the users' past history showed that they had also "leaked" a phony Avengers title months earlier.
Fans also got their hopes up when Anthony Daniels (the svelte British dude who lives inside C-3PO) started Tweeting out vague messages about "something amazing coming towards us." Fans seemed to take this as an indication that the title would soon be announced. Then Daniels backtracked, elaborating that his imaginary space metaphor isn't "the right shape for a movie title or trailer."
Inevitably, the anticipation of the new title became a meme, with fans crafting graphics for Star Wars: Baby Shark and Star Wars: A Star Wars Story. Even Lucasfilm's Pablo Hidalgo got in on the action with the high-concept title Star Wars: [Image of comic strip in which Jon Arbuckle and Garfield share a pipe].
The most absurd part of all this is that Star Wars titles are inevitably terrible anyway. Since the days of the prequels, such reveals have been turned into events which each inevitably bred disappointment. The Phantom Menace "baffled" fans. Social media ridiculed The Force Awakens. Even Obi-Wan Kenobi himself, Ewan McGregor, publicly mocked the title Attack Of The Clones.
That's because the only words that really matter are "Star Wars." What comes after that shouldn't be scrutinized too closely. Hell, don't even put it on the poster, just let us find out when we're watching the actual movie.
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It's time to blow their cover.
It's hard out there for people living on the lower end of the income spectrum.