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Real Name: Ian Fortey
Member Since: November 28th, 2007
I'm Ian Fortey and I am funny. I have a column here and I write other stuff for fun and profit. One time I wrote a book but no one bought it.
Maybe you'd like to see my rarely updated braindroppings:
About me: I can eat 6 pieces of toast in a row. In a row. I will probably talk to you if you talk to me. You should say something whimsical, though. Or vastly inappropriate.
Through no fault of their own, funerals are some of the lamest parties ever thrown. And like any lame party, someone is bound to make it 10 times more awkward.
I would watch the Learning Channel for 5 days and, in the process, learn everything there is to know. About everything.
Thanks to a string of C-list celebrities and low budget websites, the idea of a home sex tape is now more reasonable than ever. Who would turn down a chance to hump on camera? Not me. Not you. Not anyone. But let this be a warning to you, some things do not belong on camera.
In order to get you the machine that functions at the level it does, the PC industry went through many, many horrible designs and ill-conceived products. So you can bitch about the cheap Gateway laptop you've been using for five years, but at least it's not any of these.
We know that the food we buy at the grocery store isn't made by a kindly old man on a farm. But apparently there are some downright soylent green-like horrors being produced by the food industry.
Thanks to researchers' unceasing efforts to uncover the subtle mysteries behind animal-on-animal action, we've gotten some experiments which sound dangerously insane on paper, but actually yielded helpful information.
Amazon just paid half of all the money in the world to get the right to Lord of the Rings .
Louis CK's 'I Love You, Daddy' just got exponentially more uncomfortably depraved.
It's a statistical fact that going to see a doctor is worse than a biting a sandwich and finding a really long hair enrobed in warm mayonnaise dangling from your lips afterward ... No one likes the doctor.
'Star Trek: Discovery' may be the most important and relevant iteration of the franchise since the first one.
I have to take your hand in mine and lead you on a journey to places you think you don't want to go.
Big congratulations are in order for Justin Timberlake, as we've finally overcome inequality in the world, so he's allowed to perform again at the Superbowl Halftime Show!