Your New Profile Image Is Uploading
It is a violation of our terms to upload images depicting hate speech, nudity, explicit content, violence, offensive material, or copyrighted images.
Real Name: Ian Fortey
Member Since: November 28th, 2007
I'm Ian Fortey and I am funny. I have a column here and I write other stuff for fun and profit. One time I wrote a book but no one bought it.
Maybe you'd like to see my rarely updated braindroppings:
About me: I can eat 6 pieces of toast in a row. In a row. I will probably talk to you if you talk to me. You should say something whimsical, though. Or vastly inappropriate.
Good news, everyone! The Plaza Hotel in New York has heard your vehement, rabid, horny calls for a 'Home Alone 2'-inspired getaway.
Through no fault of their own, funerals are some of the lamest parties ever thrown. And like any lame party, someone is bound to make it 10 times more awkward.
I would watch the Learning Channel for 5 days and, in the process, learn everything there is to know. About everything.
Thanks to a string of C-list celebrities and low budget websites, the idea of a home sex tape is now more reasonable than ever. Who would turn down a chance to hump on camera? Not me. Not you. Not anyone. But let this be a warning to you, some things do not belong on camera.
In order to get you the machine that functions at the level it does, the PC industry went through many, many horrible designs and ill-conceived products. So you can bitch about the cheap Gateway laptop you've been using for five years, but at least it's not any of these.
We know that the food we buy at the grocery store isn't made by a kindly old man on a farm. But apparently there are some downright soylent green-like horrors being produced by the food industry.
Effort takes effort, and who the heck needs that?
All of the most the beloved comic book characters can play in the same cinematic sandbox! The possibilities for match-ups and crossovers are endless! And by that, I mean there are at least five.
Can some of these franchises be improved just by taking out the superheroes? Probably!
No one thinks they're the villain in their own life story.
Say, are you worried about the end of the world? Sure you are! You can prepare for it with your canned hams and fallout shelters ... or you can do what the truly paranoid and rich are doing.
The New York Times wrote an article profiling a Nazi this weekend, and man, did that not go over well.
One of the first lessons they taught me at comedy boot camp was to never explain a joke.
Thanks to researchers' unceasing efforts to uncover the subtle mysteries behind animal-on-animal action, we've gotten some experiments which sound dangerously insane on paper, but actually yielded helpful information.
Amazon just paid half of all the money in the world to get the right to Lord of the Rings .