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Real Name: Ian Fortey
Member Since: November 28th, 2007
I'm Ian Fortey and I am funny. I have a column here and I write other stuff for fun and profit. One time I wrote a book but no one bought it.
Maybe you'd like to see my rarely updated braindroppings:
About me: I can eat 6 pieces of toast in a row. In a row. I will probably talk to you if you talk to me. You should say something whimsical, though. Or vastly inappropriate.
Good news, everyone! The Plaza Hotel in New York has heard your vehement, rabid, horny calls for a 'Home Alone 2'-inspired getaway.
Through no fault of their own, funerals are some of the lamest parties ever thrown. And like any lame party, someone is bound to make it 10 times more awkward.
I would watch the Learning Channel for 5 days and, in the process, learn everything there is to know. About everything.
Thanks to a string of C-list celebrities and low budget websites, the idea of a home sex tape is now more reasonable than ever. Who would turn down a chance to hump on camera? Not me. Not you. Not anyone. But let this be a warning to you, some things do not belong on camera.
In order to get you the machine that functions at the level it does, the PC industry went through many, many horrible designs and ill-conceived products. So you can bitch about the cheap Gateway laptop you've been using for five years, but at least it's not any of these.
We know that the food we buy at the grocery store isn't made by a kindly old man on a farm. But apparently there are some downright soylent green-like horrors being produced by the food industry.
War. What is it good for? Absolutely marketing.
Movie theaters are dying ... but there are smart people out there trying to lure us back.
Hey, remember how you never invested in Bitcoin in 2009 because you'd never heard of Bitcoin and didn't really care about magic internet money? Same.
Anything that makes the difficult task of putting food in my face hole easier really glazes my donut.
Being rich doesn't come with an instruction book.
Thanks to the power of data, science has found that people aren't nearly as sex-obsessed as the conventional wisdom would have you believe.
Today's kids are into toy turds in a big way.