Inside The Sad World Of NBA Diss Tracks

At 7'5'', Boston Celtics center, and possible slender man, Tacko Fall is the tallest man in the NBA. And this year, at the NBA's dunk contest, Orlando Magic forward Aaron Gordon dunked over him ...

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... and lost. Again. The second loss, combined with the belief that dunk contest judge, retired Miami Heat player Dwyane Wade, deliberately rigged the thing so a player from his former franchise would get the win, caused Gordon to snap. In doing so, he unleashed the goofiest form of retaliation in an NBA player's repertoire: The diss track. Mustering up all fury of a Nyquil bottle recording an ASMR video, yesterday Gordon dropped this on Wade and the world.

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Some lowlights include some baffling voice alterations, self-censoring a "Deez Nutz!" joke, and invoking Kobe Bryant -- the second saddest thing to happen to Kobe this year. Wade, for his part, tweeted back this little bit of self-promotion:

This isn't the first NBA beef that's made its way to the grill. The low point being the infamous instance when Shaq invited the aforementioned Kobe to dine on his asshole.

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You know your bars are sad when your offer to pay your new teammate to fight your target comes off as the wiser decision. In the present day, Shaq has taken the lyrical heat to Portland Trailblazers guard Damian Lillard.

Please note: Dame Lillard is a unicorn in that he's an NBA player that actually can rap, which led to him dropping the track below. It's the equivalent of watching Jordan destroy kindergarten kids on a Fisher-Price hoop, impressive but kind of sad.

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The two went back and forth, to the point where now sports talk show hosts have gotten it in their head that asking NBA players who the best MC in the game is counts as journalism. So when Marvin Bagley got on First Take on ESPN and said he was better than Lillard, it didn't take long for Dame to drop this fire.

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What this is illustrating is that there are two breeds of NBA MCs: Shitty and Dame Dolla, who really should be doing better things with his studio time. But not all diss tracks are about eating butt and being the Wile E. Coyote to Lillard's Road Runner. Check out retired NBA player Stephen Jackson coming in with a long slam of former Los Angeles Clippers owner/still probable bigot Donald Sterling.

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For those who don't remember, Sterling was the Clippers owner who, among other things, opined about how there were too many black people at his basketball team's games. Jackson gots into his verses and wasn't afraid to compare the Staples Center to a plantation and say, "Is this a court, or is it a cotton field?" He even went so far as to call out the type of players and other NBA-affiliated people who wouldn't comment on the Sterling situation, calling them Uncle Toms.

True, he's going hard at a man old enough to need hearing aids to listen to the song, but in the sad world of NBA diss tracks, it's a good start.

Isaac is on Twitter and Instagram @NotFunnyIsaac and cannot even palm a basketball.

Top Image: Aaron Gordon/YouTube

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