Are you sitting? Good, because what I'm about to tell you is a lot to take in. In fact, it's a headline so strange that even "Florida Man" after a full day of doing "Florida Things" would still not be able to contain his shock:
No, this wasn't a printing error that accidentally published a mad-lib found in a 7th-grader's notebook. A Spanish porn star that is seriously known as Nacho Vidal was arrested for poisoning and killing fashion photographer Jose Luis Abad with psychedelic toad venom. It's a piece of news that is as sad as it is strange, and it's made no less odd than by the fact that this is what Nacho regularly posts on his social media.
Sure, we all need a phallic candle ("A perfect replica of Nacho Vidal's penis [...] available in black, white or cerise") or two for the occasional bachelorette party or the very occasional kinky Passover Seder, but there's something highly disturbing about watching that dong melt away in light of the allegations against this guy for manslaughter. According to a police statement, "The police operation began following the victim's death during the celebration of a mystic ritual based on the inhalation of venom of the bufo alvarius toad."
The toad's venom contains an extremely powerful psychedelic substance known as 5-MeO-DMT (Joe Rogan's ears just perked up) that causes similar hallucinogenic effects to ayahuasca. This was all part of an "ancestral ritual," which Nacho Vidal and possibly others would use to lure people "seeking help for illnesses or addictions using alternative methods." Again, what?
We don't know much more about the story, but it seems clear that Nacho Vidal is a piece of shit of the most unusual order. Like, a stringy, green shit, full of popcorn kernels and blood. Anyway, be careful about engaging in ancient amphibian venom rituals with penile candle pawning porn stars, and maybe light a decidedly non-cock candle for Jose Luis Abad tonight. God damn, it's only June.
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