Condom Battler Goro is an anime produced by Japanese condom manufacturer Okamoto Industries and it is bonkers. There are six episodes available to watch on YouTube but it's really just four, as the intro and end credits sequences are listed as separate videos. These are supposedly a random sampling of the 50 total episodes that will be released at some point. They're all less than a minute long and in that minute you will become as perplexingly ready to have safe sex as you've ever been. If all that alone doesn't make you smash that subscribe button, then there's no hope for your genitals.
It's all in Japanese with no subs or dubs. Just pure uncut foreign language that adds yet another much-appreciated layer of confusion to the already baffling sights and sounds. Join me on a guided tour through the events of each episode.
First, the intro:
Episode 1 - Wherein Our Hero Is Given Magical Condom Armor
Goro is the Ash Ketchum of the series, in that he looks like Ash if he worked the night shift as a janitor at a sex dungeon but dreamed of becoming a dom. One day he finds what appears to be the mythical Condom in the Stone of Arthurian legend. When he unwraps it, his body is overtaken by a magical translucent red condom suit of armor. Before he can adjust to his new peculiar circumstance, he's confronted by a similarly condom-clad man with condom wrapper bandoleros.
It'd be a stretch to call their encounter a "fight," though that's what's implied. Having no idea what's actually happening, I can only assume that the challenger is wearing condoms of a different brand that cannot sufficiently prevent pregnancy and STDs. So Goro screams at him and the guy flies away.
The episode ends with the reveal of what could be the series' ultimate villain but who knows. He's a man who looks like a fusion of Shredder and Krang's big dumb idiot body.
His appearance is accompanied by a variation on the phrase "To Be Continued" that instead reads "To Be Condom." This is a Japanese anime that included a twist on an English phrase that makes a mockery of both languages.
Episode 2 - Wherein Our Hero Threatens To (Safely) Fuck A Whole Marathon's Worth Of Runners
Goro has two friends: Pink Girl With Condom-Covered Hair Buns and Green Guy Whose Elongating Hair Is Obviously Symbolizing A Slowly Hardening Penis. The three band together to threaten a fleeing mob of marathon runners with a proper mounting. With protection, of course.
This is where I wonder if the main characters are the actual heroes. As Goro and friends vow to plow through a throng of freighted people, a man in a purple leotard shows up to save the innocents who will be fucked mercilessly by Goro. But the purple leotard man is no match for whatever Goro and Green Guy Whose Elongating Hair Is Obviously Symbolizing A Slowly Hardening Penis do to him, which, again, seems to be nothing more than delivering a stern talking-to that blows the leotard guy into the Phantom Zone. Then a dog with a testicle face wearing a purple cap says something.
Episode 3 - Wherein Our Hero Threatens to Shoot An Electric Sperm Ball At A Lube Warrior
No anime is complete without a tournament in a massive stadium encased within an enormous condom dome, or Condome. Pink Girl With Condom-Covered Hair Buns has lost a Digimon-style card battle against a man with a Lord Farquaad hair and lube tubs on his shoulders that he's constantly dipping into and rubbing on himself in anticipation of some manner of insertion into something that is never named, thus tinging the entire episode with insertion's ominous, unspoken inevitability.
Goro gets mad and charges up an energy blast that has a swarm of two-foot-long sperm swimming through and around it. He never fires the sperm ball at the Lube Warrior, who is instead defeated by a speech by Green Guy Whose Elongating Hair Is Obviously Symbolizing A Slowly Hardening Penis.
Then a giant monster shows up holding a menacingly large condom wrapper that presumably fits his monster hog. The implications are highly erotic.
Episode 4 - Wherein Our Hero Kills His Father
Things get dark in a very special episode of Condom Battler Goro. Goro is locked in an epic battle with the Shredder/Krang. Shredder/Krang fires a blue sperm ball at Goro. Goro deflects it toward a pillar that crashes down on Shredder/Krang. Shredder/Krang is pinned beneath. His helmet came off during the calamity. He's revealed to be a real zaddy, just a choice piece of ass. Mm.
Then, flashbacks to Shredder Zaddy and another guy playing various games with condoms still in their wrapper.
Mahjong with condoms. Jinga with condoms. Screaming. Just normal condom use. We have no idea who this other guy is. I've chosen to treat him like he was never there so my fan theory can make more sense. See, it's around here that I realized Shredder Zaddy's armor is condomless. Could he be Goro's father, and is Goro the result of unprotected sex? Probably not. I have no idea what's happening, but it's as good a guess as any. Goro, tears in his eyes, and Green Guy Whose Elongating Hair Is Obviously Symbolizing A Slowly Hardening Penis flee the crumbling place they're in. It's awash with columns, so maybe it's a column store.
Instead of "To Be Condom," the text at the end says "Skin." I'm to assume that's a play on "fin" meaning "finish" or "end" in French. A third language has been sacrificed at the alter of an episode sign-off catchphrase.
I don't know when more episodes will drop, or if they ever will. So cherish the episodes we have, for these precious, extremely horny gifts we have been bestowed are too good for this world.
Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Catch him on the "In Broad Daylight" podcast with Cracked alums Adam Tod Brown and Ian Fortey! Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com and his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. Listen to the first episode on Youtube!
Top Image: Okamoto Industries